Thursday, November 17, 2011

To Save a Life......

To save a life the doctors are giving my father poison.
It sounds wrong.
I pray it's right.
But that's what they do when your body is full of things that shouldn't be there. Things that they don't know how or why, exactly, started growing. They just did.

It feels wrong to set and watch your father's face grow paler by the second as the poison slowly drips through the tube, through the needle and into his vein.
It is wrong.
But I pray that it will become right.

He was the first man in my life.
I adore him.
He is strong, resourceful, patient, loving, thoughtful, honest, handsome, intimidating (at times, if he needs to be), courageous, peaceful, smart, fun, funny, studious, kind, doting, clean, and safe.
And he's sick.

I'd rather it be me.
He's glad it's him. That's just how he is.

I've wondered if it's easier to loose your hair when you don't have much.
He claims that it will be, with a smile and twinkle in his eye.

From where I stand he's facing this challenge much the same as I'm sure he has all of the challenges of his life.
With quiet resolute strength.
I haven't heard him ask why. May be he has.
Without a doubt I have.

In my minds eye I see him 34 years ago, black wavy hair and gray blue eyes opening the door for me to climb into our old red Volkswagen.
It was a Saturday and we were going to put gas in the car. Somehow I talked him into taking me to the toy store. I walked out of the store with a new dress for my Barbie doll, it was pink and lace and he thought it was just as beautiful as I did.
Then it was off to the gas station. A trip to the gas station wasn't complete without a bottle of  orange soda pop and some crackers.

Arms full of treats and Barbie dresses I remember setting next to him and looking up in awe at how handsome he was. I told him thank you and how much I loved him.
I remember I was sure he didn't understand exactly how much I loved him because I didn't know the words or how to arrange those words so he could understand.

Now here I am three decades later and I feel the same way. I haven't learned the right words to properly express my love, adoration, appreciation and gratitude in  a way that truly encompasses my feelings about and for my father.

His life has been spent in service to his family, his neighbors and his country. It has given him understanding that is spoken in the kind depths of his eyes and the soft curve of a smile that never completely leaves his face.
Time and experience have made my dad even more handsome than he was when I was 3 or even when he was 30.

What would I do to save a life.....his life?
I pray......I love.....
and I watch as they give him poison.


Kristin said...

Oh I'm sorry Carol. I will keep him in my prayers. Sending love to you.

Nick and Jamie Balaich said...

I hadn't cried about grandpa until now. I guess it just hasn't seemed real. Part of me refuses to accept it. But the fact that Grandpa is one of best men that I know does not change. Thanks for posting.

Carol said...

Thank you Kristin.
Sorry Jamie, I didn't mean to make you cry. Love you.

irbuanosraL said...

Beautiful post. Left me crying though, it is all too familiar. I am keeping you in my prayers as well as your dad. I like him a lot, and have never met him! I know this is a heart wrenching experience to go through. If you ever need to cry, call me. If you ever want to laugh, I can help with that too. ;)